Monday, September 28, 2015

So crawling out of the woodwork finally to meat market of the dating world for past month. Nicely asked my sister to take some pics of me that I still felt awkward seeing the results and on the fence about posting on the site. I'm probably too chicken to put on my dating "profile" (though who knows if I will or won't ultimately) but will put one here so it makes me feel in control of my narrative. Whether anyone is in control of their narrative, its a half truth, to a certain extent after presenting themselves to the world to pick apart, dissect, some insecurity is there but then its like at the end of the day who gives a fuck? (Well at least on here I don't and that's what this moment is) If I do that's enough.  I don't care if its on here, but in the company of potential romantic interests or Facebook friends and acquaintances, eh...Of course what would they say that one could really take at more than surface value? That's sad but whatever self acceptance about your appearance when one has struggled from the bullying and demons of the past, its there I accepted the struggle long ago. One day it may not be. (I feel one day it won't be but will accept whether it stays or evaporates) That past though long behind your never far enough away from it. A past where I developed a deeply self-conscious sense of how I physically appeared in the world, in present day still deeply ingrained from my peers. (Thanks and fuck you) This occurred daily for years at what most people would consider a young person's most vulnerable time period. Yeah so short hand, many years it still haunts me. I'm better I've made mass improvements but it still bouncing around the cortex. Whispers, sometimes some vague shouting when you pass by a reflection in a store mirror, sometimes daily on and off, it ebbs and flows. Anyway, my hair looks pretty good. Don't know if the shoes completely match with rest of outfit but its fun and colorful. It will do.