I'm writing this in advanced because things here are too sad, frustrating, and chaotic and my mental health threshold has been tested in a way it hasn't been in years and in a way that even differs from before. A new plain. A new territory. A new zone. 

  That it's happened this month and dates of all times is like being thrown into volcano. I'd like you here but know it would have tested you also and you had a lot of fragilities because of how much you loved us and mom. There is so much I wish I could know about your life and who you were that only others can tell and they are no longer here. When people pass their memories and archives of all those known has also erased. 

 I've been trying to sort things but the past few years is constant consistent concrete roadblocks that if you even you tried to get past the content of them you couldn’t without great risk and also great commitment are needed right now and material provisions needed are not here at this time. What is it to be loved? I’ve recently been reflecting on that from a message I received. I don’t think the way this world is set up societally that many people know how to really show love or care it in way that is consistent and meaningful. And those with consistencies seem to be only luck of fate if they are around. 

  I read this quote from a film still recently “Whatever you think your life is going to be, know it’s not going to be anything like that.” 20th Century Women with Greta Gerwig, haven't seen it. At a certain time being younger but healthier psychologically I wouldn't have thought that yet at the same it would have frightened me to read it, it would have stayed haunted and lodged inside because there is so much truth to it isn’t it? Even if it’s obvious doesn’t one not want it to be? And even if you haven’t had everything in your life be an avalanche, isn’t is just so disappointing? Even in the best of circumstances of one’s life isn’t it so disappointing? I’ve been quite haunted the past few years and now even more. How could this be all there is? And then I look at what happened to you and I realize it’s always been here knowing that.

  Sorry this isn’t much of a reflection on your day of passing. I don’t hope for an afterlife in one aspect and it would be tormenting to see things and people you cannot but I also want one where you are ok. Where somewhere you can hear us and only feel love and no disappointment or sadness that we meet or we come back to you in some form. I don’t mean a heaven. I don’t know exactly what and I don’t need any religious zealots telling me otherwise. I just hope you’re ok. Even if you can’t hear me, that’s ok too, you’re at rest. One day we will all be at rest as well. Hopefully not those who have wielded so much pain in their immense status and power those people do not deserve their rest yet. Anyway I have to go right now and visit the woman we all love, one you have loved from afar still after all this time.

Love, 

Little Bear (would you hate if I got that as a tattoo one day I think you would, you hated tattoos  but I still think of it every now and then anyway)

August 4th, 2023