what kept me alive was the hope of the pulse of midnight dancing

at least I grew into my jawline, caught in the mirror recognize time is meant to redesign you

I've used up all the love inside every emergency and ocean that saw promise in me

All the hateful people we don’t know that we know.

 Guess what bitches ABORTION WINS AGAIN 👀👀💪💪💕💓😍😎🙌 in an another special election 25 points, and there is handwaving because it wasn't the midterm numbers because this is a special election to flip a traditionally red seat. Yet I counter who comes out in special elections normally?  That ain't the blue team, and not in ruby red state of all places. Then the copium that the district is a swing direction and turning blue and its bitches get on board 25 point landslide!! Earthquake and avalanches again and again. Winning coalition issue of our time I keep saying. 

While looking through a woman artists’s Instagram page I reflected on over the past couple years I see all these actions related to women raising awareness and challenge through art and protest related art works, books, talks small and large, ‘sticking it to the man’ attitudes, speaking out, challenging the status quo and yet all I think is Roe v. Wade got overturned I want power back. 

I do not fucking care about the culture whether popular or “art” world stuff when it talks about the current the first woman___. The first___ woman. I want fucking power back. In contrast it just feels like theater and performance in relation to the material world and our every day needs and realities. I feel bored, deflated and pandered to in contrast to having political command. 

Art can generate and project meaningful ideas and resistance but it is not power. 

One reason I could never vote for Trump is that I don't hate people that much. Sure they are maddening and they scare me with their cruelty and indifference. Sadden me with the hate they become bloated and self righteous with as if they must breathe and defend it till their very last breath. Truly frightening and baffling characters abound in the universe past, present and whatever the future will be some grossness and evil will be there waiting to greet the rest of us. Sometimes I can't believe I am part of this tragic, powerful, horrifying, fascinating species. Sometimes I think god when will it stop already. Where is this meteorite? 

If I let it creep inside too long, people would drive me crazy enough to make me mentally attempt to try and get myself to go off the grid but I'm no misanthrope. Even the people I rage against and those I loathe the most could never make me hateful enough to vote for the accelerationist button. But so many these days don't seem so concerned. Sometimes I feel like that I was just born to witness this collision and collapse of society in this time period or an eventual one that we all are either holding our breath, whistling pass the graveyard, rage-fully denying or pretend to possess that much indifference toward. 

The last four years seem such stark proof. One of the last masking holdouts. One of the few never infected, knock on wood etc, etc because that kind of luck with something so pervasive can't last forever, but it's good in the meantime. Sometimes I feel I am one of the lasting few that felt it actually mattered that because people died and suffered that it's important to live as if to ease suffering that may befall others. And I feel my sense of isolation in the past couple years is due to just knowing that's not a norm from seeing this mass scale rejection. Forget being fearful of these buffoonish beholden to capital governments as they have a mixed bag track record when it comes to disasters like these, yet to see the people in the population and community and their behaviors that is the real failure of this American experiment. 

But what can one expect this country was in the gripes of fucking clown sightings moral panic contagion for a couple months in 2016. And then the Stephen King clown became president and he may become president once again! Now we have genocide abroad we are aiding that has the same range and scope of backlash that took out Lyndon Johnson. That's what the Democrats really can't get over. That and always looking over their shoulder to appease the Reagan Democrat, a real political realignment. 40 years rot that Covid fully unearthed.

Sometimes I feel like Goya as in his witnessing and the survival he took on with the world in front of him wrenched and gutted apart. Though he lived a version that nothing presently in the US could come close to. I still think of his witnessing and that shifting him. I wonder what he would do and how he managed to survive. What he did to live, make art and escape all else. Yet we can't necessarily predict these things of what will be assured methods. It doesn’t hurt to contemplate it’s just sad to know why you are contemplating.

- March 23-25, 2024

Let the salt lining the seas lick all my wounds

No state is more important than people and none ever will be. 

How can so many have lost their humanity in defense of the position that a nation state matters more than human lives?

Do I not just fit into the world? And what kind of world would I even want to fit into if that's the case. 

Watching genocide in high definition, done in the name of protecting people as if they are more sacred and deserving than the people originally ethnically cleansed off the land. Those who remained eventually existed in an open air prison, and now the people who are alive in the present are in a wasteland. But don’t worry if one is to question this logic attacks on their character will occur over and over.

Well fuck that noise. Free Palestine. 

The mainstream art world (and academia) has been particularly cowardly despite positioning themselves as speaking truth to power, free speech and expression. "Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable," yet all we hear from these institutions is crickets along with news of people's work taken down, shows canceled, and people kicked off panels. Pop celebrities have taken bigger risks ironically. 

There is worldwide courage from everyday people happening daily and complicity and spinelessness from those with power. Same as it ever was.

From the river to the sea. 🍉

who stole my ray of blue 

was it you

nobody’s home baby 

it was in a drawer underneath the corridor 

to tell you the truth 

happiness is my myth I can’t pursue 

can't speak the prelude to

did you take the keys from the porch 

the cigarette frayed from the phone cord 

the matches fit like candlesticks in your hair

I cannot break if I no longer care...

to tell you a truth you’ll never get another life line from me 

I am the dark you no longer can see

I’ve tried on other colors but blue is the destiny that pursues me

 

As the autumn night bends 

it sees through the pale filtered you 

how your life struggles to remain 

gleaning, hopeful, appraised

something worth all those graves 

At last we walk after dark in memory of all the clocks stopped 

"Call out in the middle of the night, for when else would I hear you?...Fall out in the cold starlight....And transform indefinitely, you will never walk alone."

Two year anniversary of this prophecy: The American Magical Thinking Syndrome