Sunday, August 2, 2015
I miss you so much that 20yrs cannot encompass the loss I feel/experience. I miss you so much that it can feel there are no proper words, analogies, or phrases to convey, that its trivial to even attempt but I continue because it would be unbearable otherwise. Your birthday is Monday. What does happy birthday really mean after death? I'm at a loss to articulate that but I feel that I cannot let that thought go unspoken. Though I know there's no way you could ever read this I am driven to write it because otherwise survival would be unbearable, unfathomable, too much of me would not be left in tact to keep going. Sometimes I feel that is all I do, I keep going, keep trotting, running, swimming keeping my head bobbing above the waves, that this is the purest form of existence. but I do not fully trust that statement on its own but I must say it. Its not without a cost living after death, choosing to live after death, I wish you had made a different choice but I know your choice wasn't a choice also. Everyday I make a choice to stay above ground and that is purely by willpower to not want to perish and paradoxically its purely luck given what my life and state of mind is in this present time. I wish you could have been afforded the same.