I border the bone

 

"It's funny that way, you can get used to the tears and the pain."

the familiarity

the plague of sentimentality

the bone catastrophe

blood marrow for the off-the grid lock endurance

opening your heart with the butter knife 

calmly retrieved and stored in hand crouched into the couch

you really believed the people in recovery 

endured endless and laughable levels (I can laugh at myself) of error and miscalculation for hope but insane psychic clarity levels of being crushed

it’s my birthday gift to cry all I want

as long as I am insular

as long as my island is not too far from civilization

everyday malaise and normality

survival is my wheelhouse

I am a rock but like all of life I will erode into the shores merging into the ocean

searching for warm pleasure and dismemberment

entering and rehoming the body 

once more crushed with such certainty 

Hi Dad, I really really miss you. 20 years...what is there to say? You were so cool and so smart much more than I will ever be. If that Thursday had just been any other ordinary bad day at school coming home for warmth and to be nestled when the weekend was around the corner. I looked so forward to that. I miss such a small comfort. Before the "after" occurred, the not knowing the worst was yet to come and would reverberate on and on. If I wrestle with the small comfort how can I ever feel safe among the big ones? Or is the goal to realize you are not safe? I have found most people have been able to hide and keep themselves safe. Tucked away, but that is not the darkness I need, I have a few lifetimes I've lived in this life.
Please don't try and solve me
I'm not here to be fixed
I'm not waiting for the light

I miss you so much that 20yrs cannot encompass the loss I feel/experience. I miss you so much that it can feel there are no proper words, analogies, or phrases to convey, that its trivial to even attempt but I continue because it would be unbearable otherwise. Your birthday is Monday. What does happy birthday really mean after death? I'm at a loss to articulate that but I feel that I cannot let that thought go unspoken. Though I know there's no way you could ever read this I am driven to write it because otherwise survival would be unbearable, unfathomable, too much of me would not be left in tact to keep going. Sometimes I feel that is all I do, I keep going, keep trotting, running, swimming keeping my head bobbing above the waves, that this is the purest form of existence. but I do not fully trust that statement on its own but I must say it. Its not without a cost living after death, choosing to live after death, I wish you had made a different choice but I know your choice wasn't a choice also. Everyday I make a choice to stay above ground and that is purely by willpower to not want to perish and paradoxically its purely luck given what my life and state of mind is in this present time. I wish you could have been afforded the same.

R.I.P (1948-1995) (19 years)

'because you have seen some unbelievable things'

Pull me out of the wake

The lions tigers and bears are after me