Monday, August 17, 2015

R.I.P. 20 years, how could so much time have been stolen away from me?


I. Love obsessed with suicidal men
I swear I didn't know until
I crept under their covers
listened to their heartbeat.
I have already picked apart their secrets,
they hide in front of everyone
in plain sight.
I keep chasing boys
who will never replace my father.

II. He would come back a lion,
claw apart the bodies who
have left their marks on me.
I'd comb back his thick mane,
bring him to where I have been
living the past few years.
The streets are somewhat empty,
it's cool out, the pavement 
is easy on his paws.
I joke he is my big protective dog
but he doesn't say anything,
I see his eyes fixated
on moving forward,
he won't look at me.
I want to be a little girl,
have him carry me on his back,
but I get the feeling he is too old,
I don't bother to bring out
my child voice.

III. It is not just quiet between us,
there is silence,
a thickness of air because
we haven't been together
in this atmosphere
for many long and awaiting years.
We don't like the sunshine,
the night is our best friend.
I think to myself,
he will leave before daylight.
I think back to when I was young,
I wonder why we never watched
a sunrise together.
We continue walking
where I was born,
where he was a young man,
where he met my mom,
where unfulfilled hopes
of our family started.
He can still walk faster then me
in the city's landscape,
I keep thinking,
we must not stop because when I
look over next time he will
have disappeared,
but I can't help myself.
I want to see the same eyes I have,
the eyes I first looked into when
I was waking up from being a baby,
I want to know where he lives inside.

IV. I have caught up to the lion's stride.
I am afraid, but  I am more afraid
of never knowing.
I turn around, close my eyes ,
and hug the lion.
I hear a faint whisper,
"Goodbye Heather."
When I open my eyes
he is gone,
no scent or hair.
I try but I feel the same as I always do,
there are no signs of his presence here or then.
I don't feel the lion went to a grand kingdom.
No night,
no heartache,
no joy,
will recreate him

V. My father was here.
The lion did walk with me.
It is fall outside,
but tonight it will snow.