I'm not alive because of my guilt

As I've gotten older I found
the wounds that hurt the most
no one can see.
Turning off the faucet
you no longer have to feel
the water tearing down your face
dripping in the sink.
It's as if your watching your happiest
memories being taken out
through a spinal tap.
The doctor said it was 
only a small procedure,
the nurse assured me
it would not hurt,
the fluids dripping into a needle
that is clear and clean like glass.
No one knows the deepest desires
emptying out from an 
endangered mind.
I know no one in this life
will be a watchman 
over my back.
Make sure to keep
myself clean,
wipe up the blood 
from the floor,
don't forget the membranes
in the corner
or you won't get  your
deposit back.
I've never been in love
with someone
(not just lovers)
who couldn't resist
taking a bite,
spitting out my soul like
leaves of tobacco and tar.
Green eyes are pretty,
so are blue,
I am hazel,
I can't decipher who is right
and what side of the grass
is green enough to
make it all better.
Am I wrong,
if I like teeth touching my lips,
seeing through the veins
in my cheeks,
I don't like to be around
the kissing kind.
Tonight is for one.
Don't blow the brains out
too hard on the floor.