Today I opened an old wound, I don’t know how this will affect the barrage of anniversaries from now till April, out of the clear in May. Tomorrow it will be one week until when the sky opened up. This newer opening of the older wound doesn’t need has never required much management because there is nothing to resolve and I leave it be because a lot of that life is quite past now. I’m ok with that. Not with how it ended, that was not ok not ok at all and will never be excusable with how it erupted. I didn’t even realize it would become an eruption but when it occurred I realized this will be pretty permanent. I couldn’t even wedge it into a category of trauma it just got quickly labeled another ending because there was too many other things I had to pull my life together for to keep going. My skin has remained tightlipped from airing it out. Today was the first day I talked about it to someone in years. I don’t think this means that now I must embark on a journey for resolution for what happened. Not because I don’t care or that it doesn’t hurt me deeply in a way of feeling like a small child overwhelmed crumbling into themselves and crying in a corner though I’ve never cried over it. I’ve been pretty numbed, it makes feel more…I don’t know the words for it yet…a feeling of betrayal? But I need to concentrate to not let the next few months weigh me too down with all those emotional backbreaking dates forging their way through another calendar year, I don’t need this wound to go any further, though maybe if it needs to I will not stop if it needs something more after all these years.
Monday February 1, 2016