Love my way

not been best month & this time of year is always hard so watching call me by your name earlier today still having emotional residual feels blurring from the film itself into what have been thinking recently of my life lived as a youth & the past how we are shaped & the things that never transpire or stay very long

______________________________

second gif down by @ahn0ahn0

Today I opened an old wound, I don’t know how this will affect the barrage of anniversaries from now till April, out of the clear in May. Tomorrow it will be one week until when the sky opened up. This newer opening of the older wound doesn’t need has never required much management because there is nothing to resolve and I leave it be because a lot of that life is quite past now. I’m ok with that. Not with how it ended, that was not ok not ok at all and will never be excusable with how it erupted. I didn’t even realize it would become an eruption but when it occurred I realized this will be pretty permanent. I couldn’t even wedge it into a category of trauma it just got quickly labeled another ending because there was too many other things I had to pull my life together for to keep going. My skin has remained tightlipped from airing it out. Today was the first day I talked about it to someone in years. I don’t think this means that now I must embark on a journey for resolution for what happened. Not because I don’t care or that it doesn’t hurt me deeply in a way of feeling like a small child overwhelmed crumbling into themselves and crying in a corner though I’ve never cried over it. I’ve been pretty numbed, it makes feel more…I don’t know the words for it yet…a feeling of betrayal? But I need to concentrate to not let the next few months weigh me too down with all those emotional backbreaking dates forging their way through another calendar year, I don’t need this wound to go any further, though maybe if it needs to I will not stop if it needs something more after all these years.

Monday February 1, 2016

Could I be the person I need to be? I always believed so but the last couple years I've started to doubt how much I really know about anything at all. That the only thing I know is myself and what if I am no use for any other foresight or knowledge? A friend back in college talked about how things seemed to be melting all around her. I wonder what if I am melting? And if I am, what am I melting into? Why did I ever, how could I ever think that things would just fall into place because I wanted it so badly?

I'm not alive because of my guilt

As I've gotten older I found
the wounds that hurt the most
no one can see.
Turning off the faucet
you no longer have to feel
the water tearing down your face
dripping in the sink.
It's as if your watching your happiest
memories being taken out
through a spinal tap.
The doctor said it was 
only a small procedure,
the nurse assured me
it would not hurt,
the fluids dripping into a needle
that is clear and clean like glass.
No one knows the deepest desires
emptying out from an 
endangered mind.
I know no one in this life
will be a watchman 
over my back.
Make sure to keep
myself clean,
wipe up the blood 
from the floor,
don't forget the membranes
in the corner
or you won't get  your
deposit back.
I've never been in love
with someone
(not just lovers)
who couldn't resist
taking a bite,
spitting out my soul like
leaves of tobacco and tar.
Green eyes are pretty,
so are blue,
I am hazel,
I can't decipher who is right
and what side of the grass
is green enough to
make it all better.
Am I wrong,
if I like teeth touching my lips,
seeing through the veins
in my cheeks,
I don't like to be around
the kissing kind.
Tonight is for one.
Don't blow the brains out
too hard on the floor.

false alarm