One reason I could never vote for Trump is that I don't hate people that much. Sure they are maddening and they scare me with their cruelty and indifference. Sadden me with the hate they become bloated and self righteous with as if they must breathe and defend it till their very last breath. Truly frightening and baffling characters abound in the universe past, present and whatever the future will be some grossness and evil will be there waiting to greet the rest of us. Sometimes I can't believe I am part of this tragic, powerful, horrifying, fascinating species. Sometimes I think god when will it stop already. Where is this meteorite?
If I let it creep inside too long, people would drive me crazy enough to make me mentally attempt to try and get myself to go off the grid but I'm no misanthrope. Even the people I rage against and those I loathe the most could never make me hateful enough to vote for the accelerationist button. But so many these days don't seem so concerned. Sometimes I feel like that I was just born to witness this collision and collapse of society in this time period or an eventual one that we all are either holding our breath, whistling pass the graveyard, rage-fully denying or pretend to possess that much indifference toward.
The last four years seem such stark proof. One of the last masking holdouts. One of the few never infected, knock on wood etc, etc because that kind of luck with something so pervasive can't last forever, but it's good in the meantime. Sometimes I feel I am one of the lasting few that felt it actually mattered that because people died and suffered that it's important to live as if to ease suffering that may befall others. And I feel my sense of isolation in the past couple years is due to just knowing that's not a norm from seeing this mass scale rejection. Forget being fearful of these buffoonish beholden to capital governments as they have a mixed bag track record when it comes to disasters like these, yet to see the people in the population and community and their behaviors that is the real failure of this American experiment.
But what can one expect this country was in the gripes of fucking clown sightings moral panic contagion for a couple months in 2016. And then the Stephen King clown became president and he may become president once again! Now we have genocide abroad we are aiding that has the same range and scope of backlash that took out Lyndon Johnson. That's what the Democrats really can't get over. That and always looking over their shoulder to appease the Reagan Democrat, a real political realignment. 40 years rot that Covid fully unearthed.
Sometimes I feel like Goya as in his witnessing and the survival he took on with the world in front of him wrenched and gutted apart. Though he lived a version that nothing presently in the US could come close to. I still think of his witnessing and that shifting him. I wonder what he would do and how he managed to survive. What he did to live, make art and escape all else. Yet we can't necessarily predict these things of what will be assured methods. It doesn’t hurt to contemplate it’s just sad to know why you are contemplating.
- March 23-25, 2024